On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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