Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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