Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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