Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
