I cannot find my penis.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
