things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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