The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
