Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
