I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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