There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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