smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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