he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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