I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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