New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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