just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
