My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Boobs speak an international language.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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