fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
