:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize