whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
