Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
