How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
