Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
