I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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