i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
