found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
