Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
