he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize