I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
