and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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