the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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