garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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