I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
