Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize