i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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