You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
