When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Randomize
