I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
