I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
