I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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