Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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