i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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