Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
