Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My ass is underappreciated
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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