when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
