Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
