Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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