That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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