"it" just moved
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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