I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
