All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
