I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
