i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
its liver damage thursday
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
