Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
