My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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