This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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