So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it's like iHOP with fire
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
try to milk me bitch
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
