I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize