Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
