listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
