Fine. I'll sleep in my office
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
