Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
