is your mom at the bar?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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