absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
