but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
