Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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