just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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