Duck Duck Cougar?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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