you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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