Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
